Monday, January 14, 2013

I never think of counting sheep

I’m writing this in the wee small hours of the morning while the whole wide world is fast asleep. I’d actually been lying in bed for the past hour or so while that song went through my head, over and over and getting up was the only way to get it to stop. It’s not often that I wake up like this and can’t get back to sleep, and my heart goes out to those who suffer from this on a regular basis.

Things always seem worse in the middle of the night.

The funeral for my husband’s brother was held on Saturday afternoon. It was actually quite beautiful and very well-attended and I left there with a lighter heart. It was good to be with family afterward – and I think Rich would have loved the Ravens game that we watched in his den after dinner. I would have loved to stay but my husband and I left to get back to the dog (and to get my husband away from the crowd).

Sunday dawned with a heavy mist that has yet to lift. I decided to take a walk with the dog around the property, bringing the camera with me.



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If you look closely, you can almost see the house just to the left of center in the image above.




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He always waits for me.




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I had plans for today that included grocery shopping and then taking down all the rest of the holiday decorations but I just couldn’t get my act in gear. I finally had to force myself to go out and get the shopping done.

This is one chore that was always done by my husband and is one that I truly dislike. I can’t recall exactly when he stopped doing it on a regular basis but I believe it was after the last brain surgery in 2011. I took over the job after that and never do it on a regular basis. I often stop on the way home from a long day at work, or am always forgetting something on the list, or getting the wrong item. But it’s the lugging it all into the house that really gets to me and by the time I get it all in there, I still have to put it all away. And then I get angry with myself over complaining in my mind when I should feel glad that we have food to eat and a place to live.

Oh my gosh - I hate this woe is me shit.




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Because the day felt sort of somber, I decided to make comfort food for dinner for my husband and I and give up on the putting away of the holiday stuff. I decided on a chicken tetrazzini recipe that I found online by Giada De Laurentiis. It was actually quite delicious but the preparations left my kitchen a disaster area, as my bechamel sauce boiled over on my antiquated stovetop on the only burner that works. It was quite the mess and I got angry with myself for being such a sloppy cook. While putting away the ingredients and cleaning up, I realized I’d completely forgotten to add one – but it was only the parsley. It could have been something much more important, and I say that with no disrespect to the pretty green herb.

Cooking is not something that comes naturally to me.

Eating, on the other hand, does. Unfortunately.

* snort *




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I can’t seem to shake this sense of foreboding that I have. So I’m just going to tell myself that it’s three in the morning is what it is, and a lot of people have feelings like this in the middle of the night for heaven’s sake.




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My husband told me that he wished it were him that was gone and not his brother. I don’t know what to say about that. But I do know that the world just doesn’t seem right today.

And the chicken tetrazzini didn’t make anything better.

But it did taste really good.

:   :   :

Here’s to a better tomorrow, then ~ for all of us.

123 Signature[5]

46 comments:

EmaanT said...

OMG these pictures are absolutely gorgeous! You should publish them in a newspaper or somthing!
Check out my blog:

http://everydayinpk.blogspot.com/

themoose53 said...

((((((Kate)))))) <<-- those are hugs!

It's hard to function when a freight train is bearing down on you. I know.

The best I can offer you is virtual hugs and an image to bring to your mind in the middle of the night ... herds of us staying by you and holding you up and hugging you and supporting you when the panic gets to be too much.

Stay strong and breathe, Kate. Out here and in your real life, we're all with you.

BIG HUGS.

Barb

Deborah said...

I'm sorry you feel somber and a bit sad. But I know the feeling.

I hope tomorrow will be better and when that is said I'll try the chicken at some point. And I love fog actually - gives a special atmosphere. You're photos are lovely as always.

Here it's snowing and is as dark as in the evening. Tak care.

Joyce said...

Rest assured, most of us hate shopping just as much as you do. Sometimes it's easier to eat a peanut butter sandwich than go to the groc. store! As for your sense of foreboding, you & your husband (& his family) have been hit with tragedy which is never easy to overcome. Along with that is the season of year which is most gloomy, gray, depressing, etc. I won't tell you to cheer up because that can't be done easily, but I will tell you to continue putting one foot in front of the other and stay the course. Hopefully better days are coming. Please remember your blog is eagerly anticipated each time you post a new entry & your photography is a source of inspiration for many of us. Take good care of yourself.

Deltaville Jamie said...

Must have been something in the Maryland air because over in Carroll County I spent the better part of the night tossing and turning. Couldn't turn off my brain. Love the photos. I always used to think my mood commanded the weather. This foggy weather fits.

Diane Cayton-Hakey said...

I took over our grocery shopping a few years back. Hubby and I went together for YEARS and I would get so sick of his whining about 'too many people' and how everyone was 'in his way' and 'no one on the roads drives right'. 'Look at him turning from the wrong lane" and on and on and on. I finally decided to tell him that I wanted to shop alone. He does help bring the bags of grocery into the house when I get home and even puts them away, so it's not so bad really.

As for the not sleeping... it happens to me once in a while too, and to be honest, I never ever sleep all the way through the night without waking up a few times. Sleep just is what it is and I take whatever amount I can get and savor it.

Take care..... don't let the foggy days in life roll over you and get you down.



Kerri said...

....this one brought on the tears ....
Hang in Kate and Kate's Hubby!

Mental P Mama said...

I wish I could blink and be right there with you. Love you. It will get better. It will.

Marilyn said...

Kate...3 0'clock in the morning is the time the dark takes over and we feel the fear we push away when the light returns...talk, out loud, to someone you trust and tell them what it is....get it out with spoken words...you have been through a lot and with the added grief of what has just happened, well, it's getting too heavy.... I'm with moose...and the herds of us out here...cyber support is better than no support...breathe and pat the dog...

Low Tide High Style said...

I finally went to bed at 2 am last night, I never go to bed that late. And I had been in bed, but got up because I just couldn't sleep for some reason.

Your images are beautiful, and reflect all that you've been going through. Even the air is heavy hearted and the branches hang with tears. I hope that things, and the weather will improve for you all!

Kat

Ellen said...

Oh Kate, you are in my thoughts so often. It is often said that God only gives you what you can handle. He must think you are Superwoman!

Sending you good thoughts and prayers.

beth said...

the foggy photos and the 3am writing seem to go hand in hand with each other....both beautiful in their own way.

i've only had one true night of insomnia and it threw me for a loop. i'm used to my migraines keeping me awake for a few sleeping hours, but then my meds knock me out at some point. it would be horrible to suffer from real, night after night insomnia....horrible.

i hope this week brings a sense of peace, now that the funeral and good-byes are behind you.

and the grocery buying and putting away and cooking.....BLECH....i hate it all !!

xxoo

thecrazysheeplady said...

{{{hug}}}

The Weaver of Grass said...

Hang on in there - we all have times like this - and you have more cause than most to feel like it. Hugs from the UK too.

Jeanette said...

I'm sorry you are in a down time right now and sorry about your husbands brother. I hope it passes quickly. I can definitely relate to the hating grocery shopping! I do also but my husband never did it. I have always had too!

Devon said...

Such melancholy photos and words. It is strange how problems seem magnified in the middle of the night.

It is strange, after my sister inlaws funeral last September, I had the strongest foreboding. I told my hubby that I felt we were in for a tough year.

Now I think that is was just the after effect of saying goodbye and coming face to face with not only my mortality, but those of my loved ones.

Hope you have a real life friend to sit with over a cup of tea and chat... you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Hilary said...

I think that what you are feeling is normal given your circumstances. Being awake alone at night always amplifies our worries and fears. It's a bit easier to fight them back in the friendlier light of day. Your foggy photos are lovely as always.

Ramona JapaneseRedneck said...

Hard to know what to say when someone says "that they wished it were themselves". Only thing that I would have said was that it wasn't your time.

I'm sorry you are having the blues. When you are down everything rubs you the wrong way.

Carolynn Anctil said...

It WAS a day for quiet yesterday. Fitting for a Sunday. I'm sorry you're feeling blue. This too shall pass. There is a season for everything and you're right to honour yourself and allow yourself to feel what your feeling. My heart dropped to hear that your husband would wish to take his brother's place. It's just his grief talking and, while the world will forever be changed for both of you, it will go on and the sun will rise again tomorrow.

Blessings, my friend.
Carolynn (A Glowing Ember)

missing moments said...

First, your photos are gorgeous. And do really like that last one of Andrew. Perhaps it is the unknown that haunts us when the world seems to have shifted off center. Warm hugs and thoughts, my friend.

MaggieGem said...

Lovely photos... certainly been having the same type of days up here in NJ.

I can empathize with what you and your hubby are going through at this time. Those sleepness nights, in the wee hours when the distractions are minimal and the quiet is abundant, the mind seems to kick into high gear. Wishing better sleep in the coming nights. Having just recently lost my own brother, I can truly identify with the deep sense of loss and pain your hubby is going through. He must have been very close to his brother...

Bless you both, you've been through a tough time and may the healing come quickly.

Hugs!

Lisa Gordon said...

I am a firm believer that a bit of "woe is me shit" is much needed from time to time. After all, let's be honest, if we don't do it for ourselves, who else will????

However, the middle of the night is a very bad time for WIMS. Things definitely feel worse then.

Sending wishes for some smiles for you today, Kate.

xo.

thotlady said...

I know how you feel.

Michelle said...

Oh, I HOPE the foreboding feeling is only the hour! Although the situation being what it is, with what your husband is dealing with what he is, and him expressing what he did, most certainly anyone would feel gloomy. Here's to a brighter day, and a husband who sees his many blessings (especially YOU).

Carol E. said...

Several years ago some traumatic events happened all in a row. One was the death of a child. After that I, too, had a sense of foreboding. I felt scared every time the phone rang. With time it eased, and I learned to relax again. I am hoping this will be true for you, too. It's the grief talking through you, and your husband, too. You will have happy days again.

JC said...

Love your foggy misty photos.
Wish I could take away the sadness that has visited your family.
I too wake up early. Most days around two or three. Thinking about everything is my specialty.
I don't like shopping either. I'm with you on that one.

I so hope that each day can be at least a bit brighter.

Hugs to you,
JC

Anonymous said...

This is actually Jeanne. My google account won't let me post a comment. What's with that? Kate, I just wanted to drop in and tell you that your brother-in-laws death and your husband's condition have everything to do with your feelings. And it doesn't help when your husband makes such statements. These are days of trials and tribulation. I am praying for God to shine his light upon you and let you know that all is well with your soul. Hugs, Jeanne

Country Gal said...

I don't drive well, legally I was in the city for years and didn't need to when I was working so now Papa only works 5 minuets away from town so I give him the list and he gets it after work on his way home now we have Mic phones so if he isn't sure of something he just Mics me . Lovely photos ! I have insomnia started that 6 years ago when I started menopause take sleeping pills but they don't always work ! I do hope you cheer up a bit and feel better , just remember spring is on it's way !

Daryl E said...

don't tell the parsley

and as Cher said Get over it! ;)

Caroline said...

Middle of the night thoughts should be banned. There are very few things worth remembering at that hour...the mind is cruel and scared at 3am. Nuff said on that. Gorgeous photos here...and about what your husband said...ugh...that's tough too. ((hugs)) girl! xoxo

Hilary said...

Oh, wow, last year found me up in the middle of the night.....a lot. The headache woke me up, and then the worry took over. Not pretty.
It's ok, Kate, this too shall pass.

Navigating Northward said...

My sympathy to your husband and family - losing a brother is a huge loss and I can understand why you feel unsettled.

spindrift,maine said...

Had a hard time sleeping last night, too. And I have come to DREAD grocery shopping. Not only do we have to think meals up, and get the ingredients in the store, and take it home and put it away, then we have to COOK it, and then we have to clean up, too. How I dislike being the 'single parent' in this hobbled couple. All I can do is send you love. Which I do. One day, this will all be over, for each of us. {{HUG}}

Donna S. said...

When I can't sleep, which is too often, I concentrate on my breathing. I breathe deep as I would when I am asleep. Even if it doesn't put me to sleep I at least relax.

Sorry it is a "down" time for you.

michelle said...

Undefined foreboding and anxiety can be awful, but i have found that the less I analyze, the quicker it passes -it has taken me YEARS to get to this realization. The snuggly love of a good dog usually helps too.

I have to say that your photography in this post really made me feel your mood.

I hope it passes and the sun is out soon.

Anonymous said...

So so sorry - have been behind on blog reading since computer died n I only use phone. Heartfelt sympathy to all - it is just so HARD- no way around it. Prayers from Tennessee, Dee

Candace said...

So sorry...

Bluebird49 said...

I've had many of those nights/mornings, that's for sure! when I was younger, and the kids were small--I slept well when they were asleep. Problem was, they rarely slept when I needed to. :) I think your husband is feeling like the ticking time bomb, and is angry about losing his brother and maybe even having survivor's guilt, even.
He doesn't know how to handle it, as most of us don't. My son was only 26 when his sister died at 31, and he told me, "Mama, I'm so sorry--I wish...!" And I shushed him and said, "Please don't say you wish---!" And he said, "I just wish it hadn't been her--she had such a big heart--so much bigger than mine!" It turned out to be true in one wqay--an enlarged heart caused her heart attack, but my son didn't know that at the time. I think he has done everything he can think of to try and do things for us, maybe to "try and make up for her death", with monetary and material things we could never afford. He and his wife have been so thoughtful, but my biggest fear and dread is the thought of losing him, and losing my husband. I don't think I could take another loss--but the Bible says God doesn't put more on you than you can bear. The things you think of at 4 in the morning, huh Best get up and have a cup of tea......

Sweetpea said...

Family love is so complicated. So beautifully, inextricably complicated & profound.

I hope you & yours are sleeping well tonight.
My very best to you, CG.

Em Parkinson said...

Oh Kate - that's such a hard statement to react to. My son is going through a really hard time at the moment (he'll be nine in March) and said the same thing to me in bed last night. I just didn't know what to say other than be encouraging about the good things in his life and try to hide the fact that I was trying not to cry. Keep strong and sleep better tonight. Beautiful morning pictures though I know that's not much compensation!

TSannie said...

xoxoxox

Stephen Andrew said...

I'm sorry to read this. This is a little crazy so I won't project it to you--but I always have a sense of dread taking down holiday decor and putting I all away. I think Christmas after childhood is just as somber as it is joyous. There are so many things that never change about it and yet it "never feels the same as it used to". I think 'the Family Stone' captures that so well. Putting the stuff away is just not fun. And for emotional basket cases like me, it can be emotionally trying! Haha. Brighter days are ahead, blessings to you and yours (especially that magnificent canine!).

GailO said...

These wonderfully foggy photos, the middle of the night, and a recent loss will certainly make one melancholy...hang in there Kate.

Poor neglected parsley! Often forgotten here too:)

mrs mediocrity said...

Some nights are like that, and I would say you have every right to have one just now. Here's looking to better days ahead. xoxo

Lili said...

It sounds very normal to me Kate considering what you and your family are going through right now. Your images, as always, are beautiful. xoxo

Karen said...

Kate, such an awesome collection of photos in this post, for more reasons than just one.

And 3am is the devils hour, alway.. the negative worried thoughts come out to taunt at this hour. I'm behind in reading posts, so I know you've chased them down the road by now.